My world has completely changed. I have had a multitude of injuries throughout my career, but this one is different. This time I’ve been told I may never be able to do gymnastics again. However, this is just one doctor’s opinion, I plan on getting more. Besides this, you would think I’d be devastated, right? Instead, I have this sense of relief; relief that I might not have to worry about getting in trouble about my weight or feeling self-conscious putting on a leotard in front of anyone, ever again. I wouldn’t have to worry about not being able to make a skill the next day because of being too heavy. For once, I would have some type of freedom.
I have gained weight and gained it fast. I’ve put on 20 pounds over the course of around two months, which I can’t even bring myself to say aloud. I hate the way I look and feel and on top of this, I started my period last month, which is just another reminder that I have gotten fat. Ashamed, I tried hiding it from my mom, but that didn’t last long, just like my short lived feeling of freedom.
I am going into the gym, just less frequently because I am still unaware of what is happening and I don’t really like being there. I hide in the back of the gym wearing baggy clothes to avoid the judging eyes that stare at me from across the room in disappointment. I feel like a failure, as though I am now actually everything I had ever been told. I feel as if my own mother cannot even look at me in the eyes, and now I am at the point I can’t even look at myself. I am completely and utterly in disgust with myself. I’m unsure which is worse, the world I experienced before my injury or the one I am enduring now.
As a teenager it was hard to grasp and understand all of the responsibilities I had tied to training as well as outside of it. I hoped being injured would alleviate some of the pressures put on me from gymnastics but as it turned out they only continued. It felt as if I could not escape the world around me and the one I had created in my head. It was hard to separate the two because the voices around me eventually turned into the voice of my own. I don’t believe that anyone meant me harm along the way, but more often than we notice, we internalize people’s words. In some scenarios, people are fortunate enough to overcome these effects, however in less fortunate cases these things can stick with us, reprehending ourselves from healing. Make sure to check back in on my upcoming posts as I reveal segments of my life that have helped me overcome my own voice and achieved self acceptance.
5 Replies to “Dear Voices”
Kate, your bravery in sharing these highly personal entries is beyond inspiring. Thank you for bringing awareness to this topic and I eagerly await your next post here ❤️
An expert came to my house and I can finally connect on your site again! 🙂 This article is great as well as all your previous posts. It’s really intimate and I’m thankful for you sharing with us. You’re such a strong girl and I hope I will be able to accept myself too someday. You’re awsome and I can’t wait to read the next post! Love you!
Your old journal entries are heartbreaking and I’m so sorry you had to go through that. You look so happy doing college gymnastics and it makes me happy to see you smiling during your routines. Thank you for your honesty and transparency in talking about this issue.
Hey Katelyn!! You’re amazing for being so brace and posting this. I honestly felt kind of the same way (nobody knows, though) for 6 years when I did competitive color guard. I did it all 4 years of high school and 2 years afterwards. I would weigh myself too to make sure I would still be able to fit into my uniform and still looked good. Nobody ever said anything to me, but those feelings were always there deep inside in some capacity. I would still eat whatever I wanted (and I had salads A LOT of the time whenever we would go out), but I made it a point to weigh myself most nights during competition season. Now that I can’t do it anymore (too old for my team) I feel like I’ve gained some, and it’s so crazy. I miss being active all the time, but college is so important.
My 8 year old had a coach imply that she’s too heavy for bars. We promptly switched gyms. It breaks my heart that adults feel they can say such things. You are such a strong and wonderful role model.